Joan Alexandra Molinsky (June 8, 1933 – September 4, 2014), known professionally as Joan Rivers, was an American comedian, actress, producer, writer and television host. She was known for her direct and sometimes controversial style.
Rivers started her career in Greenwich Village comedy clubs alongside George Carlin, Woody Allen and Richard Pryor. She gained notoriety in 1965 as a guest on The Tonight Show. In 1986 she became the first woman to host a late night TV talk show. Later she hosted a daytime talk show, red carpet interviews, celebrity fashion commentary shows, and stared in two reality shows. She also marketed jewelry and apparel, authored 12 best-selling books, created comedy albums, was nominated for a Tony award for best actress in a play, and received an Emmy and a Grammy award.
Below we list some words of wisdom by Joan Rivers.
“I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. YOU get better.”
“Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.”
“We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.”
“I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.”
“I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.”
“When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.”
“Life is very tough, you know. You sit at a dinner party and talk to the person on your right or your left, you’re going to hear something terribly sad, or horrible, or awful. And you just laugh at everything. I think it was Winston Churchill who said something like, any time you get someone to laugh, you’re giving them a little vacation. It’s so true. You laugh for one second, you’re happy. I find in negotiations, everybody’s sitting around looking so serious, I say something funny and it breaks the ice. And it’s like, now we can get through this.”
“Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.”
“Moving on is a gift you give yourself.”
“The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.”
“Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.”
“Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.”
“Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.”
“Self-pity shortens your life.”
“I’m in nobody’s circle; I’ve always been an outsider.”
“With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.”
“In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.”
“Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.”
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
“A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.””
“When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.”
“I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.”
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
“My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.””
“There are many self-help books by Ph.D.’s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.”
“If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.”
“We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.”
“Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.”
“I’ve learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I’ve ever done.”
“Marriage isn’t a contest to see who is most often right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call ‘the wise bamboo,’ which means you bend so you don’t break. Treat your spouse with the flexibility and respect you would give to a top client. Think how we treat clients; We smile, we are polite, we listen to their ideas. Never forget that your spouse is your most important client.”
“Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.”
“Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.”
“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.”
“Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.”
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.”
“In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.”
“Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.”
“I have a million-dollar figure … but it’s all loose change.”
“You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.”
“To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.”
“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”
“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”
“I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.'”
“I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked”
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